“Would you rather have your first kiss on YouTube?” My 9 year old son asked, “Or a transcript of everything you said on your first date available on Google?” It was like he had just entered some new 21st Century iteration of Lacan’s “Mirror Phase.” He was suddenly aware that what he does on the Web is public.
The “Mirror Phase” is a way of describing how the ego develops as an observer of the self. Imagine that moment when a child encounters and comprehends his own reflection in a mirror. Put simply, French psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan’s used this image to describe the developmental moment when a child first experiences and embodies the tension between internal and external identity.
My son’s question made me wonder if, in the current world, psychoanalysts might need to add another experience of the self: the first encounter with the public nature of digital networked life. After all, a significant part of identity is currently caught up in how one participates in social media and the manifestation of a personality “brand.” Perhaps those who think Facebook is narcissistic are confusing psychological theories that borrow reflection imagery.
It was about a week before my son’s ninth birthday and he had been thinking a lot about dating, eros, and romance lately. I could tell because he kept making passing remarks about it. YouTube, Google, Kissing. This was new territory for me. I sat for a moment with a bit of anxiety about the conversation that was coming and then I answered his question, “I choose my first kiss on YouTube. No matter how awkward that looks, it is not as bad as the clumsy ways we try to express confusing feelings to people before we really know how.”
It was a hint; I was fishing. I hoped he’d ask me to elaborate and I could launch into a full scale sex talk. I wanted him to start the discussion.
Each time I’ve tried to have similar conversations it has been clumsy. I did an anatomy lesson last year, opening with, “come here, there’s something I want to talk to you about.” That didn’t work. Too heavy. It infused the discussion with unnecessary stress. I wanted it to feel normal, like an everyday conversation. Giving kids normalized and dignified vocabulary to talk about private parts is known to be one of the best preventative measures we can take against abuse. The sex taboo is problematic. It can create a culture of fear where kids are too scared to communicate with their parents as they learn to make sense of their rapidly changing bodies and desires. Making kids feel safe about talking openly to their parents about sex is crucial.
